What is Anger?
Becoming angry is a normal emotional experience for all of us. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with feeling anger. Think of it as a signal that something isn’t going the way you hoped or that someone did something that feels wrong. Psychologist Donald Meichenbaum suggests that anger can be an accusatory response, such as someone doing something you believe was done on purpose to harm or upset you. Therefore, it isn’t anger that is a problem, but what we do when we feel it.
What Might Cause a Parent to Become Angry?
Anger is no stranger to parents. There are countless things that children can do that will just flip your anger switch on. It can feel intolerable at times and even lead to a feeling of hopelessness. There are several possible sources of anger when parenting. The acronym II CE HOPE (pronounced “I see hope”), created by Dr. Meichenbaum, can help you remember them. Those sources are:
| SOURCE OF ANGER | EXAMPLE OF RELATED CHILD BEHAVIOR |
| Interruption of Plans | Being interrupted leads to feeling frustrated |
| Implications for the Future | What the child’s behavior means for their future |
| Concerns for Well-Being | The child’s behavior immediately puts them at risk |
| Violation of Expectations | The child doesn’t comply with your expectations |
| History Repeats Itself | Repeatedly not complying with your requests |
| Parent Overload | Amount of time “on duty” with the child without a break |
| Violation of Personal Issues | Violating the values of parents or other important adults |
| Embarrassment | Not what the behavior is, but WHERE it happens |
What are the Signs of Anger?
There are also ways to notice when you’re becoming angry from the negative energy flowing from these sources. The most common signs that anger is building up inside you include:
| Signs of Anger Building Up | |
| Your stomach starts feeling upset | Your heart starts pounding inside your chest |
| Your body tenses up | You begin to breathe faster or harder |
| Your face flushes, feeling red and warm | Your shoulders and neck tighten up |
| Your jaw or hands clench tightly | Your voice gets louder |
What Might a Parent Do About Their Anger Response?
Once you become aware of the anger and its source, you can respond to your child in a constructive way instead of an angry way. First, bring your anger down by breathing deeply and slowly, imagining a peaceful scene. Or, try repeating a calming word or phrase to yourself. Then you can respond in constructive, non-angry response to your child. Some examples of constructive and non-angry responses include:
| Constructive Non-Angry Responses to Children | |
| Listening | Using “I” statements, not “You” statements |
| Speaking calmly and logically | Using some humor |
| Avoiding being defensive | Replacing commands with choices |
These suggestions are intended to be useful when you’re feeling angry and frustrated while interacting with your child. And, it is important to remember that many of these communication strategies can apply to relationships beyond parent and child. Both the signals of anger and constructive non-angry responses can be applied in relationships with partners, co-workers, and in most other close relationships. And, if your anger feels out of control or problematic, seeking the support of a therapist may be helpful, too.
References:
Meichenbaum, D. (2001). Treatment of individuals with anger-control problems and aggressive behaviors: A clinical handbook. Institute Press.
Meichenbaum, D. (2024, August 12-16). Addressing issues of violence and aggression in individuals and communities: Development, prevention, and intervention. Cape Cod Institute 2024, Orleans, MA, United States.
Raising Children Network (2024). Managing anger: Ideas for parents. https://raisingchildren.net.au/guides/first-1000-days/looking-after-yourself/anger-management-for-parents
Stanford Medicine Children’s Health (2024). Anger management: Strategies for parents and grandparents. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=anger-management-strategies-for-parents-and-grandparents-160-45