March 2023 Newsletter: Love Languages

Love Defined

            Love. Close your eyes for a moment. What do you picture when you think of this ever-present phenomenon? Do you picture red hearts and chocolates? A hug between a mother and her child? Do you picture your dog, time spent with your friends, time spent in nature? Do you picture your relationship with yourself? Every person who is reading this will probably picture and feel something slightly different. It is nearly impossible to form one singular definition of love, as its meaning is as unique as the person attempting to define it. What love means to you, reader, is what it is.

What Love is, and What Love is Not

What Love Is

• Love is an emotion that can be felt by anyone, towards anyone (or anything.) It is quite universal in that way.
• Love is a feeling that comes in many forms; you can feel immense love for your partner and your family, but also for your friends, inanimate objects, your job, yourself, the world around you, and anyone or anything else under the sun.
• Love is an experience that helps us connect with the world; it is driven by compassion and empathy, and it helps us lean into our humanity.

What Love Is Not

• Love is not necessarily an emotion that we choose, nor can it be bought or sold.
• Love is not something that we must earn, we are inherently worthy of love.
• Love does not only apply to romantic relationships, and is not synonymous with sexual relationships.

Love Languages Explained

            Love languages are a language like any other–a way of communication, of putting unnamed expressions and feelings to words that can be spoken and understood. Love languages, in particular though, describe the different ways that people express and receive love. They can be used as a tool to nurture love, to strengthen the relationships that are important to you, and to gain insight into the way you love and wish to be loved. Because the meaning of love is so unique to each person, there is no one correct or standard language to express it. 

            The term “love language” was originally coined by a pastor named Gary Chapman, who developed the idea in an effort to help people express love in ways their partner could understand. He proposed the five that may be familiar to you: quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. The problem though, is that because of the uniqueness of the human condition, and thus the uniqueness of the definition of love for each person, these five don’t quite cover the full spectrum of what exists. In her book, “Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love,” sex and relationship therapist Anne-Hodder Shipp proposes 18 love languages. Even these are not an exhaustive list, but it is a place to begin exploring your love communication styles in a way that offers more opportunity for specificity.

18 Love Languages

Love Language	What it looks like:	What it doesn’t look like:
Accountability	Making “I” statements	Saying, “I’m sorry, okay?”
Active Listening	Asking, “Did I understand you right?”	Saying, “hmm, cool.”
Acts of Empathy	Asking, “How can I support you?”	Saying, “That happened to me, too.”
Affirming Communication	Saying, “I believe in you.”	Making superficial comments
Bestowing	Giving without expecting reciprocity	Giving something to someone with an expectation to gain something in return
Emotional Labor	Being an outlet for unprocessed feelings.	Making grand or dramatic gestures of love or affection.
Engaged Experiences	Participating in an activity that your loved one enjoys, such as watching each other’s favorite TV shows.	Not a replacement for communication.
Intentional Time	Relaxing on the couch together.	Not about quantity of time.
Personal Growth	Focusing on developing new coping skills or working through trauma	Proving you’re a good person.
Platonic Touch	Hugs and cuddles.	Expecting it’s something everyone wants.
Problem-Solving	Asking, “What can I do?”	Giving unsolicited suggestions.
Providing	Giving care during an illness.	A means of creating control.
Shared Beliefs	Having responsibility expectations in common.	Needing to agree on absolutely everything.
Solidarity	Standing up for others	Minimizing others’ experiences with oppression
Teamwork	Sharing household chores.	Giving orders or making demands.
Thoughtful Service	Holding the door for someone.	Something you keep score about with others.
Undivided Attention	Eye contact and quiet environments.	Multitasking or group dates.
Upskilling	Asking, “Can you help me understand this?”	Giving unsolicited advice or information.

What Do Love Languages Mean for You?

            The love languages discussed above (and perhaps the ones you’ve thought up for yourself as you’ve read about them) can be used to understand and communicate the ways you give love to and receive love from others, but they can also be used to understand and hone the ways you give love to yourself and take care of your mental health and well-being. They can be a wonderful tool for positive change in whichever way feels most useful to you.

Schedule a session with one of our therapists today:
Phone: 646-450-3064; Email: contact@northeastpsychological.com