To begin, it was first proposed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s as a way of intentionally communicating with compassion. The best way to understand what nonviolent communication is, might be to understand what it’s not. The opposite of nonviolent communication is violent communication. Whether or not it includes actual violence or aggression, it’s always characterized by things like judging, coercion, or blaming others. At the very least, this way of communicating will lead to misunderstandings, and it almost always causes emotional pain and anger. At its very worst, it can lead to actual violence, whether it be physical or emotional violence, directed toward another person. In all cases, it causes some form of harm to oneself and/or to the other person.
On the other hand, nonviolent communication is a way of communicating with empathy, compassion, and humanity. It strives to use language that avoids blaming, judgment, coerciveness, or anything that focuses on what we feel another person has done to us. Instead, it seeks to share power in conversations, approach others with empathy and curiosity, and intentionally use language that communicates these things to the other person. Where violent communication creates emotional and psychological distance between people, nonviolent communication fosters understanding and closeness so that such distances are decreased. Nonviolent communication is a very straightforward thing, only needing you to practice it to become effective in using it.
| Observation | This is where we objectively observe what is happening in a situation, and then articulate that observation. Example: “I am noticing that you are on your phone while we are eating dinner together.” |
| Feeling | This is where we state the way we feel when we make this observation. Example: “When I notice that, I feel hurt.” |
| Needs | This is where we communicate the related need that is or is not being met. Example: “I feel hurt because I find myself needing quality time with you.” |
| Request | This is where we communicate a specific request that would help this need be met, and thus enrich our lives. Example: “Would you be willing to stay off of your phone while we eat? |
The goal is to express each of these pieces to another person as clearly as possible and to be open to receiving these pieces from another when they are the one extending them. Although all components are important to effective communication, there is no one set formula, and the ideas can be adapted depending on the situation or the personal or cultural context. The more you practice nonviolent communication, the easier it will be to stay conscious of what it is that you and others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting in the journey towards enriching our lives.
References
Center for Nonviolent Communication (2018). Key facts about nonviolent communication (NVC). https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/learn-nonviolent-communication/key-facts/
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Puddledancer Press.
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