What is Sex Therapy?
In a basic sense, sex therapy is “the assessment and treatment of sexual dysfunction” (Binik & Hall, 2014, p. 2). Sex therapy focuses on a wide variety of issues such as desire and arousal, orgasm, pain during sex, sexual disorders, specific sexual groups, medically influenced sexual concerns, and the role age plays in sexuality.
Mindfulness in the Bedroom
Practicing mindfulness has been shown to increase the sensitivity of the sexual response (Binik &
Hall, 2014, p. 386). It can affect physical arousal in two ways. Firstly, being mindful during intimacy
can help reduce intrusive thoughts that might distract the individual. Secondly, mindfulness promotes
increased focus on physical sensations, which can increase arousal.
Sexual Reclamation
In order to reclaim one’s sexual self, an individual must chose to want that type of desire in their life, and accept that there is nothing wrong with embracing your sexual self. Sex should be seen as mutual, as something that is desired by both you and your partner. When individuals engage in sexual encounters without the real desire to do so, they lose touch with their own sexual desire (Hall, 2004, p. 84). Recurring episodes of engaging in sexual activity, when there is no real desire to do so, can also lead to the shift in feeling that your partner’s desire is not ‘for you’ but actually a sexual need of ‘theirs’ that is expected to be gratified. Just because an individual takes the steps to foster a good relationships with a partner does not mean that there will be a natural improvement in sexual desire. This is because the want for a good relationship can result in an individual doing sexual things for a partner, even if they are not desired themself. In order to change your sexual behavior and interest in sex, your attitude towards sex must change first.
3 Prerequisites for Having Sex
When debating your desire to have sex, consider the following conditions (Hall, 2004, p. 95):
- I am arousable (open to being aroused).
- I am feeling aroused.
- I am interested in arousing my partner.
Sexercises: Mind and Body
The goal is to experience sexual desire in the body (Hall, 2004).
Solo Exercises:
- Stimulating your sexual imagination: Read erotica or books on sex, check out a sex shop in person
- or online, watch erotic videos, or indulge in sexual fantasy.
- Focused Breathing: First, lay down and place your hand on your chest and abdomen. Second, relax your stomach muscles and inhale deeply through your nose to completely fill up your lungs. Third, breathe in to the count of five, then exhale to the count of five.
- Sensual Meditation: First, set aside uninterrupted private time and lay down on your bed. Second, close your eyes and practice focused breathing. Third, shift your focus to specific areas of your body one at a time. Start from the head and work your way down, paying close attention to the sensual parts of your body. Fourth, as your attention shifts to each body part, try to relax the tension within it. Let a feeling of warmth inhabit your body. Fifth, when the focus shifts to the more sensual areas of your body, tense the muscles in that area, then release the tension. Repeat.
- Self-Pleasuring: First, acknowledge the conditions necessary for relaxation such as a locked door or free apartment. Second, once these conditions are met, complete the exercise with or without initial desire present. Third, undress fully or partially. Fourth, explore your body in a curious and appreciative matter, focusing on the shape and texture of your skin. Fifth, caress your whole body, focusing on the sensual parts that increase desire. Sixth, visualize your desire as building steadily and slowly. Seventh, focus on the increase in sensation, breathe deeply, and pay attention to what you are feeling and where you’re feeling that sensation. Eighth, implement delayed gratification by allowing arousal to build and fade. Acknowledge the desire to continue and enjoy the feeling of wanting. Ninth, allow yourself to experience an orgasm. Pay attention to what is going on in your body and the sensations.
Partner Exercises:
- Outercourse: First, discuss the exercise with your partner, remove distractions, and make sure they are aware of what it entails. Second, ask your partner to be the rules enforcer. Third, set aside a designated time with your partner that is free from distractions. Fourth, during the exercise, you and your partner are only allowed to give nonverbal positive feedback and verbal constructive feedback using positively worded messages. Fifth, after the exercise, spend 5 minutes discussing it with your partner. Sixth, do this exercise multiple times a month. Seventh, after multiple attempts you can vary the exercise such as including intercourse, continuing outercourse after orgasm, or not striving for orgasm.
- Mirroring: First, set aside time to complete the exercise with your partner and remove distractions. Second, both partners undress. Third, take turns being the ‘mirror’ and the ‘leader.’ Using slow and sensual movements, the leader will move, touch their body or their partner’s body while their partner mirrors the movements. Fourth, start with less sensual parts of the body and move up to more sensual parts as you go along. Fifth, do not focus on sexually arousing your partner or bringing them to orgasm. The goal is to teach each other about sexual preferences and to enhance nonverbal communication. Sixth, do not have sex during or after the exercise. Seventh, after the exercise is over, discuss it with your partner. Eighth, repeat the exercise over time.
- Mutual pleasuring: First, set aside time to complete the exercise with your partner and remove distractions. Second, both partners undress. Third, take turns being the giver and the receiver of pleasure. Fourth, the giver touches and caresses their partner in ways they have learned their partner enjoys, while the receiver passively receives the pleasure and does not reciprocate the touch. Fifth, switch with your partner. Sixth, follow the rules for positively giving feedback. Sixth, follow the rules for positively giving feedback. Seventh, start with less sensual parts of the body and work up to more sensual parts. Eighth, do not engage in any other sexual activity during or after this exercise.
Written by Jaida Edwards
References
Hall, K. (2004). Reclaiming your sexual self: How you can bring desire back into your life. John Wiley & Sons.
Hall, K. S., & Binik, Y. M. (Eds.). (2014). Principles and practice of sex therapy. Guilford Publications.